Because I am a kind deity and there are twelve zodiac signs, we are praising corn chips, Funyuns, Pringles, pita chips, and kale crisps.
Aries is the zodiac's first-born, purpose-driven sign, and early man's first bread may have been blistered, pillowy, hummus-begging pita bread.
Taurus is the zodiac's potato—versatile, reliable, thick, and long-lasting. We're lazy because we're always seeking for the easy way to pleasure.
Fredric J. Baur, a Gemini scientist, designed Pringles. He patented a saddle form and cylindrical container to minimize breaking.
Cancer food technologist George Wade Bigner created Funyuns. Cancers are reluctant to change and sentimental, hence the Funyun formula has stayed unaltered since 1969.
Leos are kind but unreliable, and SunChips strove hard to be "green" but has subsequently retracted their biodegradable bag program.
Arch West, a Virgo, developed Doritos. West was buried with corn chip triangles of victory. Flour rest.
Libra is polished and seeks to keep the peace to avoid upsetting or losing appetite. The original Lays potato chip suits most people's demands.
Scorpio controls the genitalia, and this package of potato chips from Lithuanian manufacturer Chazz promises a unique flavor.
Chester Cheetah reminds me of a classic Sagittarius: no pants, sunglasses 24/7, pool hall regular, and "do you want to take a ride on my motorcycle" charisma.
Captain Ahab, replete with whale bone prostheses, clinched teeth, and ruthlessness, is my Capricorn archetype.
Aquarians are used to being eccentric and criticized. Hot air ballooning, lycra, and kale chips take years to catch on.
Pisces, the zodiac's last sign, embodies all previous signs' energies. Jupiter, the spacious, more-is-merrier planet, rules Pisces.